The End of Memory

Snow and Sleepless Thoughts

2010-02-26T01:21:00.000-08:00

So I was going to talk about this. The snow. Or more specifically the hurricane snowstorm that is currently battering NYC. This picture is actually from last weekend, but I'll update with new pics later. In the meantime I just want to say we have had more snow in the past month than I have ever seen in my life.

Unfortunately, snow in NYC is just miserable, I mean really, really miserable. Not fun, not enjoyable, not a chance to celebrate and roll in the ground (because you never know what is thrown on those infamous NYC streets, even the parks are not safe). And this wonderful snow accumulates on the sidewalks and street corners to make slushy dirty messes that soak your pants and make walking difficult if not impossible.

But that tirade is not what I actually want to talk about. Instead, this should be titled

Theodicy: The Question of God and the existence of Evil

This is something I wrestle with frequently. Often at night when sleep seems to be quite fleeting and pain dominates my thoughts. Like tonight. As Trent sleeps peacefully by my side I am laying awake, thinking. So here's the question that is running through my mind.

How can a good and loving God allow such evil in the world?

This question a popular one, especially right after calamitous events such as what happened in Haiti last month. But in my perspective it is a question that is ultimately not helpful coming to any spiritual conclusion. So let's break it down. Essentially there are three instances that we would categorize as "evil." Harm that one person/people cause to another person/people. Illness and death (cancer, heart-attack, etc). And natural disasters or "chance." In all three of these cases this action is something that offends our sense of normality and order. Evil is an unjustifiable reality, or more succinctly, disorder.

Given this reality we now look to what our options are on how to approach this evil. There are essentially three responses. (1) This is the way that the world is. (2) We as humans must work together to fix it. (3) There is a God who has promised He is both good and loving in his care for us.

The nihilist would say there is nothing we or any being (god or other) can do, evil simply is part of the necessity of functioning. This response removes all chance of hope or promise for a better life aside from pure luck. If I were to encounter extreme suffering and pain like what I have seen in Darfur or so many other places, this answer seems both dehumanizing and redundant. Those people are clearly unlucky and must simply wait for their fortunes to change, either way there is nothing to be done in the meantime but wait.

The second response to evil is to say there is no god, and it is only humanity that has the power to create change. You could also say that there is a God and he is either evil or incapable of acting in any way (which would beg the question how can he then be God), but in any case the reality is still the same. All that can or will be is up to us. All that is in the world is up to us to manage, for better or worse. More likely this side would be of the opinion that humanity is naturally good and that cooperation amongst people and coordinate efforts will produce relief from suffering and pain (evil) at some point. The West's reliance on modern medicine would mostly fall under this approach. If we research long enough and hard enough we will find a cure to it all. If we all love each other and work together the world will be in peace. In this instance the ultimate promise though is as hollow as the first response. To the woman in Darfur, the family in Haiti, the child with incurable cancer the response is the same. We will do our best. The problem is, no matter how much work is put forth or how earnest our efforts to "fix" these problems evil continues to arise. Until humanity can harness the weather, perfect the medical body, and arrive at perfect justice these evils will continue to exist. What comfort is that to the family of the child that is dying? What hope does that give to the woman in Darfur? What happens when the child dies? The woman is raped? What hope can you promise them? This response is ultimately a circular argument that leaves the burden of work on the person you are trying to comfort or yourself. What happens when it is humanity itself that is causing evil, since humanity under this response is all that is saving us from this evil? Who or how can one side ever win?

The third response and the one I ultimately always fall to is this response. There is a God and He is good. While I might not understand all that is at work in the world or why I must suffer in pain each night I am comforted by the fact that this God is working for ultimately my best interest. When my husband wrestles with the fact that he can do nothing to alleviate my pain, and I have exhausted all the current medical world can provide for help, we can rest in the knowledge that there is an end that is good. We are not weighed down with the burden of constantly trying to fix the problem ourselves (a special comfort to the incurably afflicted or persecuted). We are not left with this is just the way that life is, so deal with it. For me, there is no other way I can handle the suffering I face every day than to hope there is a God that is greater than I and lovingly caring for my life. To have anything less to hope for is nothing at all, no comfort for the grieved.

So when we are tempted to say to the one who is struggling with evil "this is out of God's hands (implying it is up to you to fix)" or "c'est la vie" haven't we done them more harm then good. To remove a person of hope for a relief from this evil gives them nothing meaningful to live for. This is the greatest injustice that could be done to a person.

I apologize for the 5:00 am ramblings. I couldn't get this out of my mind so hopefully by writing this down (however jumbled and incomprehensible it might be) I might finally be able to get some sleep. Goodnight!

We are going skiing

2010-02-12T11:31:00.000-08:00

In Pennsylvania. This weekend. Didn't know there was skiing in Pennsylvania? Me neither! I'll let you know how it goes! We are going with Trent's former college roommate Aaron Holzapfel, his big brother Neil, and their spouses. It should make for an interesting weekend.

This is my new york uniform. I can't help it, I succumbed to wearing black. Everyone does! I just wanted to fit in. : ) What do you think?

(Disclaimer: Trent lost our camera's charger so until that is found all I have to use is my computer's built in camera. Sorry it's so blurry!)

A week in review

2010-02-12T11:14:00.000-08:00

Good: I'm making a quilt. This is the beginning. Aren't you impressed?

Better: I bought Trent Settlers of Catan for his birthday. He is obsessed! Thankfully I win almost every game, but we have definitely enjoyed playing. He is also into teaching all our neighborhood teenage boys how to play, which has been quite entertaining for everyone...they definitely did not grow up with "board game playing families" so this is quite an interesting cultural shift.

Best: Best Yet Market opened this week. For the first time since I have moved to NYC I have a grocery store within easy walking distance of our apartment (i.e. in the bottom of our apt building!) I cannot tell you how happy this has made me. After months and months of anxiously awaiting the finishing of the construction (the jackhammer was incredibly loud and day after day of hearing this in my apartment was enough to drive anyone crazy) it felt like christmas the first time I walked through the grocery store. I have never been this excited to go grocery shopping in my life! Now I don't have to spend all day getting meat from the lower east side, produce from the upper west side, and groceries from mid-town...you non-new yorkers should interpret that to mean a good 2 miles of walking from place to place while carrying as many groceries as my poor little arms (and back) can handle. Needless to say, I am thrilled about this new little place, now our 20 person dinner parties can be shopped for in comfort and peace!

A little thematic turn...

2010-02-03T13:40:00.001-08:00

Just for you, you know who you are. Enjoy.

Obsessions

2010-02-03T13:32:00.001-08:00

mostly just him....

but also this coat...

and if I'm honest this too... (some things never change)

I am glad I read this now...instead of then

2008-04-08T10:38:00.001-07:00

According to a recent USAID report: "Bandits and other armed assailants continue to target humanitarian workers throughout Darfur. On March 19, OCHA reported that, since January, 3 humanitarian staff have been killed, 3 have been injured, and 55 have been kidnapped. Since January, relief agencies have reported 61 hijackings of humanitarian vehicles and 3 attacks on relief convoys. According to the U.N. World Food Program (WFP), 36 WFP-contracted trucks and 24 drivers remain missing. On March 24, unidentified gunmen killed a WFP-contracted driver and seriously injured the driver’s assistant on the road to Nyala, South Darfur. On April 1, WFP-contracted drivers blocked a main road north of Nyala to protest the deteriorating security situation and demand additional security measures for contracted humanitarian vehicles.
On March 20, unidentified assailants attacked a GNU Office of Water and Environmental Sanitation (WES) team of engineers in North Darfur. The bandits abducted nine GNU WES team members, hijacked four vehicles, and stole a drilling rig used to construct boreholes that provide safe drinking water for area residents. The U.N. Children’s Fund (UNICEF), which provides support for GNU WES water, sanitation, and hygiene programs in Darfur, strongly condemned the attacks. The bandits released the GNU WES staff, but the drilling equipment, valued at $1 million, remains missing, delaying work on 110 water points in Darfur." I am glad to know this now and not back when I was first going over there. Please pray for my friends and fellow laborers who are still in vulnerable areas around Darfur, especially CIC workers Sam Kpamika and Julia and PPF workers who are still in Jaach.

For Your Information

2008-04-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

Last week I was interviewed by a man from the local newspaper - the Chattanooga Times Free Press. It was a bit unclear at the time the purpose of interview, but you can find the article here. It is an interesting piece - I sincerely hope that through reading this more people are made aware of the struggle in Darfur, and even further that it becomes a jumping off point for further discussions about the uniqueness of the situation in Darfur and what can be done to end the violence.

I am reminded of how the simplest of actions can make such a resounding impact - like the necklaces that GPS sent with me into Jaach. These simple beaded necklaces were instigated by an incredible student at GPS who wanted to do "something" for the people in Darfur. There is no way she could have known at the time the impact her simple decision, but by caring enough to organize the school to make these necklaces she and every student who participated gave a symbol to the refugees in Jaach that they were not forgotten. These necklaces were received with joy and excitement by the men, women, and children of Jaach because they knew that even though they have lost everything, someone cares.

Background: Jaach

2008-03-31T13:02:00.000-07:00

Late last night I met with Brad Phillips, director and founder of Persecution Project Foundation (PPF). As we talked for the first time face to face I was put at ease for the first time since the trip began of what we were about to do. Brad described how we would fly from Nairobi the following morning to a town in northern Kenya called Lokichoggio (Loki) and from there we had chartered an Antanov 24 that would fly us in to Darfur. We would be landing at a place called Jaach.

Technically, Jaach is not a town. There is no police station, no established government structure; they don’t even have a road or running water. Jaach is an IDP camp – that means it is a place in the desert where no one wanted to live. (When we arrived into Jaach, I began to realize why until 3 years ago this area had been deserted nothingness, but more on that later.) Located a few kilometers from the river Bahr al Arab, Jaach is literally no-man’s-land. No one is really sure if it is Southern Darfur or South Sudan, or both. Either way, until water-wells were built in Jaach 3 years ago no one could survive there long enough to debate the issue. As villages in the northern parts of Darfur have been attacked and homes burned, survivors would flee into the bush. (Image is a satellite photo of a burned village not too far from Jaach.) Living in the bush there is no guarantee of food or running water, so many people die walking to a new, safe place to sleep. Roaming Janjaweed, hostile tribes, wild animals, starvation and death are constant companions of these displaced Darfurians. Jaach grew as people from Northern Darfur sought refuge in a place where they would not be attacked, far enough away from the roving Janjaweed and hostile tribes.

Brad Phillips and PPF have been involved in Sudan since the 1990s. Friends with the late Sudanese leader John Garange, Brad has been involved in supplying aid and water to South Sudan since the time of their civil war with Northern Sudan and it was through those connections in Sudan that he was introduced to the Jaach refugees five years ago. Since then, Brad has spent much of his time and resources providing food and clean water for the hundreds of thousands of people that have congregated in Jaach.

Historical note: Sudan has been engulfed in civil warfare since granted independence from Great Britain in 1953. Divided by two warring ethno-religious groups – the Muslim Arabs in the North and the Christian/Anamist Dinkas in the South – have struggled to maintain a balance of power since that time. Although a cease-fire was established in 2005 called the Comprehensive Peace Agreement, the conflict still goes on. Most recently, this conflict has spread to include all of Darfur, and this is the place that has seen the most violent and horrific examples of violence in Sudan’s history.

When Brad was first introduce to the area he described the gruesome experience of sleeping at night surrounded by the noises of people as they died from lack of water. By the hundreds he said, every night you could only hear coughing, screaming, crying and death. To go from a place where death was the reality to a thriving town has been a radical transformation in only five years, and it has occurred because of the 12 water wells (bore-holes) that have been built since 2005. It is amazing to recount how 12 water wells - each costing about $30,000 – could literally save hundreds of thousands of peoples lives. Today about 65,000 people live in Jaach, it is a thriving community with the promise of a government outpost in the near future!

Day 1: Nairobi

2008-03-31T12:38:00.001-07:00

I had a one-day layover between my flight from Atlanta to Africa and my trip to Darfur. It was spent alone, in a hotel room in Nairobi. It was also one of the most difficult days of my life. In the chaos of the weeks preceding my trip to Darfur I was so consumed with travel arrangements, school arrangements, housing arrangements, financial arrangements, etc. that I did really have time to consider what I was doing. Don't get me wrong, I've done some crazy things in my life. Riding off on horseback with a strange Mongolian man in the middle of no-where Mongolia was one. Living in the dump (literally) of, Mexico "guarding" $2,000 worth of building materials with nothing more than a guitar to protect our stuff was other. But I have never so knowingly or willingly put myself in extreme Juarez bodily danger. (I would like to think I was blissfully naive of the dangers the first two examples presented.) But as I sat in my hotel room in Nairobi I was wracked with questions and doubts for the first time. What was I thinking, smuggling myself into a war-zone at 24 years old? Why would I do something like this? Was this really God's plan for my life? The reality of death slammed into my otherwise happy-go-lucky life and I was for the first time truly shaken.

Now, there is something to be said for a fear of the unknown. It's natural. Anytime you enter into a situation that is unfamiliar there will be a certain amount of fear. In this instance, however, the fear had taken on a whole new dimension. I had so much to do in my life, was this really all I would ok be with accomplishing? A healthy fear of death has always been a part of my life, but I spent that whole day praying, writing, pleading and ultimately resting in the knowledge that the God who had led me for

three years to study and advocate for these people in Darfur that I had never met would faithfully complete His work in my life. Just as He had opened the door for me to go into Darfur, He would fulfill His purpose in my following.

While it is true that God has absolute control over my life no matter where I am or what I am doing, there is a big difference between words and actions. I had said He was in control since I had given my life to following Christ, but when it came to possibly dying while following his call I wasn't so sure this is what I had signed up for. Death loomed so clearly, and I understood with greater clarity the reality of my salvation, wrestled with accepting that my life belonged to Christ, and ultimately I was able to rest with greater sweetness than I ever had before in the power and purpose of my Lord. I really like Jim Elliot's quote that "he is no fool to give up what he cannot keep, to gain what he cannot lose."

Day 1: Nairobi

2008-03-31T12:37:00.000-07:00

A long time in coming

2008-03-31T12:30:00.000-07:00

I am sorry it has taken me so long to update the blog. School was in full swing by the time I arrived back in Chattanooga and I have been trying to keep my head above water since then. It still seems a bit strange to me that I am actually back here, or better yet it is strange that I actually went to Darfur. But the reality of the sights, smells, sounds, tastes and friends that I developed while in Darfur lingers on. I hope in the next few days to keep updating the blog so that you all might become a little better acquainted with what I did while I was there. I'll start with the first day and go from there.

Back In Nairobi

2008-03-17T09:12:00.000-07:00

I am back safely in Nairobi. To be honest with you words fail me as I try and come up with how to describe my time in Darfur. I will post later but for now I must simply reflect.

This is is what I did for most of the trip. These are my friends.

http://web.mac.com/david_johnson/www.silentimages.info/Darfur.html#34

Please Pray This With Me

2008-03-10T07:21:00.000-07:00

Psalm 46
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Selah. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah. Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire. "Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth." The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

The End of Memory

2008-03-10T00:49:00.000-07:00

First of all, I am safe in Nairbi! 35 hours of traveling and I have made it to my hotel and had a restful night's sleep. I continue on my journey tomorrow so today I will be meeting with my team members and preparing for the trip ahead. If I was anxious of airtravel before, this will be a whole new ballgame!

I suppose I should take a moment to explain the title of my blog. Miroslav Volf in his book The End of Memory describes how and what a world with absolute forgiveness would look life (in my completely unacademic and unintelligent summary). When should we be willing to forget those things which have so hurt and wronged us. I bring this up because in the Kenyan newspapers I have been reading this seems to be a common discussion amongst the people, politicians, and church leaders here. When and how do we accept the wrongs done, and proceed with complete forgiveness. With the political situation here settled for the time, can the people (especially those in IDP camps) so easily forgive the neighbors that violently burnt down their homes and sent them away? Can church goers forgive their brethren who watched the violence or even participated in it? How can we move foward from such unspeakable attrocities.

This question weighs on my heart as I prepare to enter Darfur, where such horrific events have occurred I will probably never be able to express them with words. Can forgiveness be granted in such a place, and who is to grant it? There is a book called The Sunflower which expressed this question in much more eloquent language than I can through the story of a Nazi killer who seeks out a Jew from a concentration camp to beg for forgiveness. The question is, who can properly grant this forgiveness?

I wrestle with this question every time I think of Darfur. And I don't really have an answer. But I can and will pray that the God who has granted me ultimate forgiveness will show the people of both Kenya and Darfur the peace and that they will be able to rest in the knowledge of His powerful justice. I can say that now, will I be able to say that when I get back? I can only pray...

Response

2008-03-07T22:44:00.001-08:00

Preparing for this trip I am amazed at how quickly I can limit the scope of my thoughts to “what snack won’t melt in the desert…” and what to wear. Why is this? I’ve been wrestling with simply what emotion and/or thought is right. Is the thought of encountering such depravity and human suffering is too overwhelming to consider? Am I even capable of preparing my heart for what I will see? Will I ever be able to really comprehend the situation? I am overwhelmed simply in preparing for the trip, and I haven’t even gone yet!

The gospel of Matthew (11:28-30) resounds with the ache in my heart – “come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” It can sound so trite when thrown around, and yet isn’t this the most beautiful promise. Yes, Christ acknowledge, you cannot hold it all. And because of that you are free. My abject helplessness is so obvious I am forced to rest in His control. True peace.

But this is all still about me. How am I to respond to the people in Darfur with dignity and hope? How can I even pretend that by going to a situation like this everything will be ok? It won’t. I will enter, weep, and leave in 10 days – but what about those I leave behind? Is there a word or phrase that captures the pain of those left to endure? I am reminded of my friend Bekah’s gravestone and the verse engraved on it. Isaiah 35:10 “and the ransomed of the LORD will return, and come with joyful shouting to Zion, with everlasting joy upon their heads. They will find gladness and joy, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.” I might not ever see the end of such extreme pain and sorrow in my lifetime. Does that mean I give up working or hope? Earlier in the chapter Isaiah describes the wilderness and desert rejoicing, shouting for joy at the glory of the Lord and the majesty of God. “encourage the exhausted and strengthen the feeble” he reminds “say to those with anxious heart, take courage, fear not. Behold, your God will come with vengeance; the recompense of God will come. But He will save you.”

2008-03-06T19:26:00.000-08:00

The Situation in Darfur

2008-03-06T05:35:00.000-08:00

From what I can gather from news reports, situation in Darfur seems to be deteriorating by the day. In spite of the 2006 Darfur Peace Agreement some analysts are suggestions that the violence in Western Darfur is reaching levels close to that of 2004 (widely considered to be the deadliest time in the conflict's history).

According to the analyst Eric Reeves:
Recent events in West Darfur, along the border with Chad, should compel us to start calling things by their correct names again. What we’re seeing in Darfur now is a level of ethnically targeted violence that hasn’t been approached since the terrifying days of 2004. Beginning on February 8, Janjaweed militias, coordinating with Khartoum’s regular troops and military aircraft, began to attack areas north of el-Geneina, the capital of West Darfur. They targeted the towns of Sirba, Abu Surug, and Silea---all of which had come under control of the rebel Justice and Equality Movement (JEM) this past December and January. Militarily imprecise barrel bombs leveled much of these three towns, as well as surrounding villages and displaced persons camps. More than 60,000 civilians fled, perhaps 12,000 into eastern Chad, where the intensity of Khartoum’s bombing attacks forced the U.N. High Commission for Refugees (UNHCR) to withdraw its personnel.

In addition to this, Khartoum has in the past two months periodically suspended all humanitarian flights into Darfur. In addition to potentially limiting my options of entering the area this means that food, water, and medical assistance to the refugees in Darfur are being threatened by Khartoum.

While the news coming from the region is undeniably frightening, the most terrifying reality is the eerily similar pattern we are seeing between the situation today and that of 2004. An article by the Washington Post written by Eric Reeves during this period echoes the same sense of escalation that we see today: Khartoum has so far refused to rein in its Arab militias; has refused to enter into meaningful peace talks with the insurgency groups; and most disturbingly, refuses to grant unfettered humanitarian access. The international community has been slow to react to Darfur’s catastrophe and has yet to move with sufficient urgency and commitment. A credible peace forum must rapidly be created. Immediate plans for humanitarian intervention should begin. The alternative is to allow tens of thousands of civilians to die in the weeks and months ahead in what will be continuing genocidal destruction.

The irony of this situation is that even though I will be in the midst of this situation in a few short days I can so easily get distracted by the things that demand my attention every day. In the past four years hundreds of thousands of people have been killed, or left vulnerable to violence, disease, malnutrition, and dehydration. Since 2003 over 2.5 million people have been displaced into refugee camps (like the one where I will be).

So I ask that you pray for me as I prepare my heart and mind to go – that I will be open and sensitive to how the Lord will use this trip. My dear friend Ryan Vroegindewey who is working in Benin wrote this email to me a few days ago, and I believe if captures so beautifully the prayer that I seek - “As you go (to Darfur), remember that the corners of this world that now hide the cruelest wrongs and the deepest hurting are the very places in Creation that will one day radiate most gloriously the Peace, Rest, and Justice that Christ promises to bring. When your senses and spirit grow weary from all that you witness and experience, I pray that you may be strengthened, and that you may strengthen others, with this hope.”

2008-02-22T10:35:00.001-08:00

WHY

In the fall of 2005 as I began writing my senior thesis at Covenant College on Darfur a verse from Proverbs really struck me:

"Deliver those who are being taken away to death, and those who are staggering to slaughter, Oh hold them back. If you say, 'see, we did not know this,' Does he not consider it who weighs the hearts? And does He not know it who keeps your soul? And will He not render to man according to his work? "

~ Proverbs 24:11-12

The stark language and gravity of the verse have compelled me since that time to actively seek means of justice and redemption in the world. I am thrilled to have such an opportunity before me and pray that the Lord will be glorified through this work! While in college I wrote my Senior Thesis (a requirement for graduation) on Darfur hoping to use it as a means of promoting awareness (both personally and locally). I was able to write a number of papers, a newspaper article and give several presentations around campus about the situation in addition to that major work and am excited about the opportunity to enhance my understanding further and discover new ways of becoming involved in the situation in Darfur.

Personally I hope to marry this rigorous academic study of Darfur I had in college with a more personal, relational understanding of the situation there through this trip. I have felt since the time I began to research and write that a significant part of my understanding was lacking because I had no real connection/understanding of the situation personally. This trip is a valuable opportunity for me personally to expand my understanding and knowledge of the people and situation in Darfur. I expect the experience and relationships built in Darfur would carry more weight and significance than my academic studies ever could. I know I have so much to learn about the situation, and am excited about seeing these realities come to life. The details of the trip are still coming together, but I will be going under the wing of an organization called Persecution Project Foundation that deals specifically with raising support and awareness for the persecuted church internationally. An offshoot of that organization, Silent Images was created by a man named David Johnson as a way to raise awareness and funds specifically for the people in the midst of genocide in Darfur, Sudan. David has written a book about his experiences inside a refugee camp called Voices of Sudan and is currently working to raise awareness and money for a project building wells within the refugee camps of Darfur.

In January of 2008 David invited me to travel with him to a refugee camp in Darfur, Sudan but the outbreak of violence in Kenya halted the planning for our trip until now. We will be flying from Nairobi Kenya on March 10th to a town in Northern Kenya where we will hop on an Aid cargo plane bound for a refugee camp in Western Darfur. We will fly straight into the camp as Americans are not allowed by the Sudanese government into Darfur. At the camp we will be collecting interviews, pictures, and video documents of the people of Darfur and the progress of the wells being built. There will be a translator and we will be living and working in the refugee camp for about 2 weeks, flying back on March 21st (tentatively). Please pray for me as I prepare to take on this adventure!